Issue 4: Creating Your Own Idea of Success, Ending Long-Term Friendships, & Focusing on Priorities
+ 5 Free Tech Programs to Join & How to Know if He Likes You
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Enjoy your Friday, and make today as special as you can. This is your reminder to do one thing you love, whether it’s a five minute doodling session or an hour of your all-time favorite TV show.💗 Today’s topics go rather deep, so without further introduction, read on to dive in.
All About You: Creating Your Own Idea of Success: A few weeks ago I called my dad, and I said the phrase I thought would never, ever leave my mouth: “I feel like a failure.” I’ve always seen myself as a winner, as a go-getter, as someone who couldn’t be shambled. And yet, here I was, telling my dad the A+ student who started her own business was a failure.
Everyone has their own version of success. For some people, it’s wealth. It’s a lifestyle. For some, it’s a feeling. It’s love. It’s happiness. For others, success is unknown. They don’t have a definition of success, or they keep changing the meaning of it. During the phone call, my dad asked me why my version of success was tied to numbers. “Why do you only feel successful with a 4.0 GPA, or X number of subscribers, or X amount of money in your bank account?” “Why don’t you feel successful when you have happiness in your life?”
I replied, “I don’t know.”
The words stung, and for someone that always strives for achievements, aiming for the next best thing (or to be the next best thing), it hurt to tell my Dad I don’t know what success meant to me. I didn’t want my success tied to a number. And just like numbers, feelings change too, so my definition of “success” couldn’t be to just feel happy. It had to be more. I’m now asking you to create your own version of success, or change your definition. If you want to keep your version of success alive and strive to achieve it, then I encourage you to do so. But don’t obsess over or drown in your failures. We’re all successful in some way, shape, or form, whether we realize it or not, and maybe if we recognized the gifts and miracles we truly have, we may be the most successful people we know. As for me, I define success as peace and purpose. To feel at peace with my life, remaining calm and grateful for the good and bad, and to walk in my purpose, continuing to help others through my passions.
Yes, this is a throwback photo from Disney’s Frenemies.
Relationships: How to End Long-Term Friendships: No one seems to prepare for a friendship break up. Whenever we begin dating someone new, there’s always this reminder in the back of our head that this may be temporary, it’s normal for it to be temporary, and we need to prepare, just maybe, for a break up. And although we have friends of different ages and backgrounds that come into our life at different times, we don’t prepare for a friendship to end. We think our best friend since third grade will be our best friend in our 30s. Sometimes friends are easy to make, but they can be hard to break, especially depending on how close you are to that person. Break ups in romantic relationships hurt because there are romantic feelings involved, the loss of a future together, and no longer the passionate feeling we reserve for a partner. The ending of a friendship feels entirely different, and it’s a feeling too deep to describe.
I recently ended a friendship of four years. I still love her, and we created a great friendship that has helped us grow in many, many ways, but there was a turn in our friendship that couldn’t be avoided. And after continuous forgiveness and countless conflict, there was no longer an avenue for our friendship to be resolved. It hurt to see my friend slowly turn into someone so opposite, and that tends to happen in long term relationships.
I wanted to discuss how to end a friendship with someone you’ve known for years, someone you still care about, love, or have cared for in the past. This isn’t someone you knew for a week or two, or someone you simply say “Hi!” to when walking down the street. This is about how to end that long term friendship (but only if you need to) and give you and your (ex) bestie the clarity you both deserve.
Pinpoint the Problem: In long-term relationships, there’s usually a pattern of problems or multiple issues that come throughout. These issues could be big or small: Your “friend” is always late or never shows up to events or hangouts, they constantly lie to you or spread false rumors about you, or maybe they give snarky remarks or never support your endeavors. The issue at hand could also be just one thing, like them sleeping with your boyfriend, stealing something from you, etc. Little things lead to big issues, and big problems, are, well, big problems. Pinpoint exactly what the issues are that have led you to conclude that this friendship needs to end. Recognize the patterns in these behaviors. Example: “My friend is constantly late to hangouts or doesn’t show up without warning” translates to “My friend doesn’t respect my time anymore, and doesn’t communicate when there’s a problem.”
Set Boundaries: Do you have boundaries in place? (Boundaries are necessary for all relationships, btw.) Do you allow your friends to call you rude names, make fun of your past or a sensitive topic, or suddenly make changes in plans without telling you first? Do you willingly allow people to treat you lower than you should be? In this case, you need to create and implement a set of personal boundaries. How will your friend know their wrong if you never tell them. What you allow will continue, and what you permit you promote. If you’ve been letting things slide that you know you shouldn’t have, address it with your friend. Tell them why you feel this why and that you’d like them to stop. If they continue to mistreat you, despite your conversation, then, well, it’s time to move on to Step 3.
Draft Your Solutions: What exactly do you want your friend to change? Maybe you want them to apologize for lying to you, start listening to you, or to stop disrespecting your time. Make sure you have a clear image of what your friend can do to fix this, so you’re better prepared for the conversation.
Discuss (Yes, this probably will not be fun.): Ahh, it’s time to talk about it. Depending how long you’ve been friends with this person, this conversation may be easy to have if communication is fluent in this friendship, or it will be hard as a rock, especially if you feel the friendship has come to the end of its ropes. Bring it up in a calm manner, and explain that you’ve been wanting to talk about something. Note the problem, why it makes you upset, and what needs to change. Honestly, in most long-term friendships, your friend will do their best to maintain the friendship and will happily do what they can to protect it, whether they understand why you’re upset or not. If they disregard your feelings and decide to continue in their ways, then it’s likely time to end the friendship.
Live and Let Go: Yes, it’s over. And yes, you’ll be ok. Even if you maintain communication between your ex-friend, you have now let go of the bad and the good. But remember, history doesn’t mean happiness. You will likely miss the memories and the inside jokes, but don’t forget the times you’ve been mistreated when remembering this person. It’s normal to feel upset, and you may even grieve the loss of this friend. However, this happened for a reason, and your feelings have been and always will be important.
Self Care: Focusing on Priorities: This week’s Self Care section is simply a reminder to focus on what benefits you, what betters you, and what will help you get closer to your goal. Maybe your goal is to spend more time with your siblings or reach out to family. So call them. Maybe your goal is to finally focus on your health and rest, since all you’ve been doing this week is stressing over that work project. So take a break. If a priority to you is getting that paperwork done that’s been sitting on your desk for days, then get a pen, fill it out, and finish it. Remember to focus on a priority (or your priorities) today, so you can finally feel some relief and gain some pleasure.
Career & Finance:
Career: For Tech Girlies: 5 FREE Tech Programs & Clubs to Join (And Add to Your Resume):
Rewriting The Code: A community focused on college women and early career. You’ll have access to internships, project opportunities, and other resources!
Superposition: This organization has yearly hackathons (the next in June) where you can create your own project, and you could join their team and teach other girls in STEM.
FreeCodeCamp: A coding curriculum that offers free courses online in Web Design, Java, Python, etc.! You will also become certified after completing certain projects and courses.
Code Path: Coding, CyberSecurity, App Development, and Software Engineering Courses offered for college students.
Women in Technology (WIT): Resources, events, and classes in all areas of technology and for all ages. Sign up for their email to become a member!
- Name: Kam
- What’s Your Question?
Hey! There's this boy I'm friends with but I really like him. We have seminary and math together and I always notice him staring or constantly looking over at me, especially if I'm talking to the guy who sits next to me in math. He also responds to my texts super fast and never leaves me on read. Does the boy I like like me back?
Hey Kam! Quick answer: Yes! Long answer: It definitely sounds like he does. Many times, you don’t have to ask to know if a guy likes you. Men tend to make it known if they like a girl, but sometimes there can be mixed signals or small hints involved. In this case, your friends with him (already a plus, since he likes your personality), and he is showing constant attentiveness (staring at you, texting back fast quickly, and pays attention when you talk to other guys). He may be testing the waters to see if you’re interested as well. Are you responding back fast, flirting, etc.? If not, he may not feel comfortable telling you he likes you, or he may just want to simply be friends first. My advice to you: tell him how you feel. He’s giving you the hints, so give him a sign. And, if I’m wrong, you too can have the possibility of remaining friends, but it may definitely be difficult. Wish you luck!
What to Read: How Benjamin Franklin Made Pros and Cons
What to Learn: New Languages 📚
Food & Drinks: Hershey Kiss Cookies My Mom and I Used to Make💗
Beauty & Fashion: This Skim’s Dress (Pricey but Pretty)
Brands/Social Accounts to Follow: My Favorite Shoe IG Account
Request A Topic You’d Like Me to Write About: Email email@example.com
*Disclosure: I am not a licensed therapist, I just love to help (and have helped 100+) women by giving advice!